


Like whales beneath me diving down

by Pollarize



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Coast Guard, Drowning, M/M, Shipwrecks, Suicide Attempt, it ends differently than you expect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-30 00:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8511577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollarize/pseuds/Pollarize
Summary: now floating up and down
  
  i spin colliding into sound
  
  like whales beneath me diving down
  
  im sinking to the bottom of my
  
  everything that freaks me out
  
  the lighthouse beam has just run out
  
  im cold as cold as cold as can be, be





	

**Author's Note:**

> based loosely off the song into the ocean by blue october
> 
> aka me being a slut for death and destruction as usual

Josh never minded the way the boat rocked and rolled. He didn’t get sick when the waves got bad and he didn’t curse so much when he fell out of his bunk and hit the floor. He wasn’t claustrophobic and didn’t panic when the ceilings were low and he had to step over doorways. He didn’t care when the food was all non-spoilable and a little bland. 

 

Josh worked as an engineer on a navy boat, fixing things and correcting things and being lazy as much as possible. He loved his job. 

 

There was nothing for Josh at home. No girlfriend expecting him home for dinner, no boyfriend that wanted to hold his hand. Of course, he had his family but he could only crash at their house so often. He had no house, no job better than this. It worked out well for him in the end. 

 

He went to sleep with a partially full stomach and a smile on his face for whatever reason. 

 

What Josh did mind was waking up to loud sirens in his ear, screaming coming from down the hall and the floors above him, the rooms next to him. He opened his eyes to bright lights and flashing red. He woke up to something terrible, someone shaking him. 

  
“They need the engineers, something happened, oh God, something happened.” 

 

This time, Josh hit the floor and heard a crack and took off running down the hall, down the stairs. His feet touched water and Josh thought that it might have been his tears. 

 

The engine room was dark save for the flashlight beams that were frantically moving. The screaming was loudest here and tools clattered to the floor. He could hear the water trickling inside slowly and shivered. Josh wished he knew what to do, wished that he could help. He only ever worked on the air conditioning, worked on the vents when they stopped working. He looked at the engine and recognized nothing. 

 

Pieces moved and others didn’t. It loomed over him and he saw gauges that were in red, some that read nothing. He couldn’t understand a single piece of it.

 

The water touched Josh’s knees and he finally spoke up. He spoke up when the water poured in faster, when he could hear his own impending death, stuck inside a metal tin can that would surely suffocate him in the end.

 

“Guys,” Josh tried, repeating it until he was screaming and someone was listening. The water touched his hips and he needed to get out.

 

“We need to go, we need to get out of here,” he said and he tried to pull people with him. They were stubborn and Josh wanted to stay with them, to help. Josh didn’t want to drown. 

 

“Guys, please,” he said, not sure when the tears started but they were there now and he tugged on peoples hands. He backed out of the engine room, pushing through water that covered his belly button. He found the stairs and the water dripped off of him. The boat leaned to one side and Josh could hardly keep his balance. 

 

He cried as he heard people on radios.

 

“Mayday, mayday, mayday,” they said, struggling with technology. They waited for a response, they weren’t sure if they transmitted correctly. “Mayday, mayday, mayday,” they said and Josh paused to pray that they made it out on time.

 

Josh heard pounding on doors and he tried to help. Josh tried to help but he feared for his own safety. He watched the water chase his heels, reaching out to touch him. The water was greedy, demanding more and more of Josh. He knew it had already taken lives, knew that on the floor below the people he saw last night were floating along the ceiling. He’d talked with them, eaten dinner with them. He went out and smoked with some of them, passed a cigarette around the group as they stared out at the horizon. 

 

The water was greedy as it reached for Josh’s ankles and reached for his knees. 

 

He ran until he felt the night air, shivering as he stood with a group of people, trying to avoid the water for as long as they could. Some of them were in uniform, having worked the night shift. They kicked off their boots and put on stern faces, trying to hide the way their hands trembled, fumbling with shoelaces. There were sailors that had been asleep, wearing nothing but shorts and a t-shirt. They were like Josh, shivering in the night air. Josh’s clothes still dripped. 

 

Josh hated himself as he looked around the top of the ship, realized that there used to be more crew, that the people he’d smoked with last night were nowhere to be seen. He realized that most of the people were inside the ship, still trying to work, trying to get help. Josh hated himself for leaving, for not staying to help. He could have fixed something in the engine room but instead, he stood there and realized he was useless. He could have helped people get out of doorways, carry the ones he had hit their heads in their haste and were unconscious.

 

Josh stood on the ship with only a few people and realized he was lucky to be alive. He didn’t feel very lucky. Josh hated himself for leaving the others. He cried and wished that he wouldn’t have woken up, or that he’d stayed.

 

Josh cried until the water took him finally. The ship was going down and he had no choice. Somebody had thought to grab floaties, dropping them into water. 

 

“Shit, someone get that,” someone said, pointing to a floatie that was drifting farther from them. Nobody moved so Josh did. He knew the water would claim him soon enough and he thought he should get it over with.

 

He jumped into the water and froze when it touched all of his skin. It was cold and a shiver ran through him. His foot ached and he had to swim to get back to the floatie. He swam farther and farther from the ship, finally catching up to the floatie. He panted as he grabbed it, kicking his feet to stay above the water. The floatie only got him so far.

 

He turned to go back to the others but saw them farther than they should have been. Josh had been stupid enough to neglect the water moving around him. He had been stupid enough to neglect the fact that the floatie was in a current, that chasing after it was the worst mistake he could have made. It would have been better to slowly sink with someone else as they both clung to a floatie. 

 

Josh screamed, trying to haul himself up higher, trying to get his neck out of the water. He screamed again and heard a shout back but he couldn’t make out what they said. 

 

He knew he was a good swimmer, had to have been to be put on a ship out in the ocean but it was different when the water froze his muscles, when he couldn’t stop the shakes that moved through his whole body. His teeth chattered and water splashed in his mouth. He panted between coughs, only inhaling more water. 

 

Josh thought about letting go, thought about drowning and letting the shivering end, the guilt end. He still clung tightly to the floatie, knuckles having been white for hours. His hands hurt with the pressure of holding it, fingers weak from holding so tight. It was the one thing that kept Josh strung to life and he couldn’t find it in himself to let go. 

 

Josh wasn’t sure why. He had nothing at home for him, no girlfriend and no boyfriend. He had family but they hardly called him anymore. They’d cry and then like everything else, they’d move on. 

 

Josh could hardly keep kicking, felt the water touch his cheek, touch the corner of his lips. He breathed through his nose, the fight in him still kicking. It was weak in his chest, dying down but it was present. He kept moving, even through the ache in his foot and the ache that moved through his entire body. His muscles were tired, sore and cold. 

 

His eyes closed and he breathed out. Josh stopped kicking for a moment, let his mouth be covered so that when he breathed through his nose he inhaled water again. His body panicked and he kicked hard, coughing and choking, hauling himself over the floatie again. It forced him to survive a few minutes longer.

 

He had no idea how long he could move between letting go and sheer panic. He thought about letting go and pushing the floatie away. There was no way that he would be able to catch it again.

 

But Josh could only hang on for so long. His friends he’d made here had died and the ones that had made it out, Josh had no idea if they would make it. He had a decent enough idea now that he wouldn’t make it. Not for a lack of trying because Josh had tried. He’d gone through the terror of looking death in the eye at least three times already and suddenly, faced with it again, he wasn’t terrified. 

 

Josh looked down at the water and saw death, saw a grave somewhere miles below him. Josh thought he saw a whale, diving below him. He smiled and thought that it was a guide, showing him where to go. 

 

Even now, when he was ready, willing, his fingers wouldn’t let go. Josh rested his head on his arm and closed his eyes. He remembered that dying when asleep was the most peaceful way to go and Josh wanted an ounce of peace.

 

He closed his eyes and let his mind drift, let his mind go blank. 

 

Josh thought that there was a beam of light on his eyes. He thought it was God granting him the courage to let go. Josh let go.

 

_ * _

 

Chaos.

 

It was chaos. 

 

Josh heard yelling and felt hands on him and he realized he was alive. He coughed and tasted salt water, felt water dripping from his hair, cold, felt tears from his eyes, too hot. 

 

Josh rolled to his side as water left his lungs, coughing until he thought he might throw up.

 

“There you are,” someone said through all the chaos. Gentle hands on his hair, guiding him to get the water out. Josh cried because he remembered what happened. 

 

“Please, don’t,” he said, voice raw from salt water and from choking. The hands never left his head, calling out orders for others. 

 

“The coast guard picked you and some others up, we’re taking you to a hospital,” someone said and Josh didn’t know how to feel. He forced himself to open his eyes and waiting for them to focus. He saw the metal roof of a helicopter. He was alive.

 

Josh looked up and saw brown hair and brown eyes. He saw a smile and gentle eyes.

 

“There you are,” they said again, a hand going through Josh’s hair. 

 

“I’ll get you some blankets,” he said, still not moving. He ordered others around and then blankets touch Josh’s skin. He shivered still, mind struggling to keep up.

 

“I didn’t want to leave the water,” he said finally, tears in his eyes as he looked at the man who ran hands through Josh’s hair. He was gentle, touched Josh like he was fragile. Josh thought that he might actually be that fragile. 

 

“I know. I watched you let go. I’m so sorry but I can’t allow you to do that. You’re safe now and I will personally carry you to that hospital bed if that’s what you need,” he said, stroking, gentle. 

 

Josh clung to the orange uniform for as long as he could, only letting go when the man promised to check up on Josh.

 

He came the next day in regular clothes, handing a beanie over to Josh.

 

“Thought you might be cold,” he said, handing it over. Josh offered him a weak smile. 

 

The man took Josh’s hand and squeezed it, not seeming bothered that Josh didn’t squeeze back.

 

“I watched you let go,” he said again and Josh could see this time that the man looked troubled by that. Josh looked down at their hands and gave a weak squeeze back. 

  
“I don’t want to watch you do that again.”


End file.
